Category: Everyday life advice – The UP Podcast episodes
Episode 29 – Understanding free will with Dumbledore & Sachin Tendulkar (4 min)
Man can do what he wills but he cannot will what he wills.
Arthur Schopenhauer
Do we humans have free will? Can we really choose to act? Do our choices matter eventually? Is there an easy-to-understand answer to these questions?
I delve into these questions in this short and meaningful episode via a quote that, for me, defines the legacy of Albus Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movies.
I also take the example of an interview that Harsha Bhogle did on Sachin Tendulkar a while back.
I think this is a very moving intersection of two seemingly dissimilar topics to drive home a point about free will that I find to be very important in our day and age.
Do I do all of this any justice? Only one way to find out. I’ll see you in the playground. Until next time. Peace out.
Episode 27 – 1 powerful tip to improve your people skills | Regression to the mean (18 min)
“Data is the sword of the 21st century, those who wield it well, the Samurai.”
Jonathan Rosenberg
Let’s talk about people skills. And let’s use stats in this episode to improve them.
Has it ever happened with you that people tend to quite often disappoint you right after you’ve just appreciated them?
Either it has, or you don’t appreciate the people in your life often enough. 🙂
In this episode of The Unlearning Playground Podcast, I talk about one powerful tip on better understanding this dynamic of dealing with people using a statistical fact that goes by the name regression to the mean.
Stay with me till the end of this episode to actually improve upon your people skills multifold.
Do I deliver on the promises? Only one way to find out. Dig right in.
People skills are an important part of any job we humans do.
Now that’s another advantage our brand new toys, the AI bots, would have over us.
For the time being, of course.
People skills, in fact, play a fundamental role in all aspects of our lives, not just our jobs.
Being a good parent, a worthy partner, a dear friend, a reachable relative, a loving sibling, a caring child – we get better at all of these and many more roles we play in our everyday lives if we are good at our people skills.
And one thing I usually find fundamentally lacking in a lot of people is the ability to understand other people around them and also to understand the bigger picture concerning the situation around them.
This was the key motivation to stitch together this particular episode of The Unlearning Playground podcast.
It was a difficult episode to design, because I wanted to cover a rather tough concept in a manner that’s easy to understand and at the same time, I wanted to be a bit esoteric too so as to help put forward a contrarian point of view, something that I consider to be a hallmark of my content.
The thread I pull on, in this episode, is of understanding and reading our expectations from people around us better.
And to build on it, I use the concept of “regression to the mean”
Regression to the mean is a well known statistical fact. Well known of course only in circles that study and/or use mathematics regularly. And well understood only in circles that love it. Each of these circles only keeps getting smaller and smaller.
I personally think that it is one of those facts of nature that can be used to explain a whole lot of things not concerning maths per se, but concerning our everyday lives in general.
It helps to explain why, even though rewarding people for improved performance works better than punishing them for not doing so well, we lack the motivation to appreciate when people around us do good but never need an external push to voice our disappointments.
It helps to provide a better and a more practical explanation for stuff like jinxes or that hindi version of them – “nazar lag gai“.
I think it’s time you get going to the playground. This is easily one of the most impactful episodes I have done on the podcast so far, and I know there are better ones coming.
You can catch up on all the episodes from our playlist here.
Episode 24 – Hope & equanimity | How to have more positive vibes (8 min)
“You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from.”
Cormac McCarthy (No country for Old men)
The new year is upon us, and with this being the last episode of 2022, I wanted to leave this year with a positive message for everyone listening.
The message this episode hopes to convey is one of hope, equanimity & having more positive vibes.
In the sensationalist times we live in, it’s almost as if everyone is rushing around trying to be the next big thing or do the next big thing or at least trying to know about what the next big thing is going to be.
To be able to be hopeful on a personal and a collective level in such an environment, and to maintain equanimity and composure, are no small feats indeed.
Let’s try to talk this through in this short, yet potent episode.
At the time of this writing, 2022 is about to end and a new year is upon us. I think that this episode, and the message it hopes to convey is one of extreme potency and significance considering the times we live in.
The episode features, in its first two minutes itself, one of the most moving stories I have had the pleasure of giving an ear to – Maybe, a short zen story. You may also know it as The story of the Chinese farmer.
I think the story has a lesson for all of us that’s two-fold.
HOPE
Life throws curveballs, ups and downs at all of us. No one, and I mean no one – not Jesus, not Osho, not Jiddu Krishnamurti, not Swami Vivekananda – no one can deny this.
Staying hopeful, and wise, in the downturns is what matters.
If you are in a downward curve right now, hang on and keep going – an upward curve is just around the corner.
EQUANIMITY
How you handle and respond to and deal with the different situations Life throws at you, is where the utility of being equanimous lies.
Equanimity does not just mean being calm and composed externally.
It’s rather better understood as an acceptance of the present moment, of the circumstances, of what is.
And then, acting out of love not fear.
How to incorporate more positive vibes in your life?
Incorporate hope & equanimity to the mix.
Here is a brief outline of the episode:
(00:00) – Intro (01:22) – Maybe, a short Zen story (02:32) – Hope (03:42) – Equanimity (05:50) – Why this is relevant in today’s world (06:55) – Ending, on a positive note!
We humans have this weird, but funny tendency to extrapolate and pay more attention to bad news when compared to positive or optimistic information. Have you ever noticed this in yourself?
If you keep an open eye and a curious ear around you, you’ll notice how the maximum screen time is always headlined by content that’s sensational, that keeps you glued to the screen, that captures your attention for a longer duration.
And nothing attracts us more than a prediction of how things are going to go bad real soon, and advices on what we should be doing about it.
Now that does make evolutionary sense – keeping an eye out for possible mishaps is basic 101 for survival. But letting our imagination go wild with it can pretty soon turn this feature into a bug that the human organism can no longer control, let alone use for its own good.
And this is precisely why I think this is a timely episode for a lot of us. If you’re someone who takes a constant dose of social media, news, influencer content, etc on a regular basis – this episode is a good antidote for bringing yourself back to reality.
Episode 21 – 1 very important message for our time | Unlearning, unselfing & letting go (11 min)
Man suffers because he takes seriously what the Gods made for fun.
ALAN WATTS
Unselfing – what a term, isn’t it? I think there’s something about that prefix – “un”. Letting go, unlearning, unselfing.
Ours is the time of the ego – rampant, self-indulgent ego. Selfies, personalised feeds, personalised ads, personalised everything – almost all good products, but almost all terrible if left unchecked or unsupervised.
And isn’t that true for our times? We have let the idea of our “selves” go too far – far more than we ourselves can handle it. And that is impacting not just our public discourse and our politics, but also our relationships and our everyday lives as we speak.
However, we also live in the time of Understanding – a fully encompassing, discerning Understanding. And one core precursor to that Understanding is a detachment from the cobweb of the self, of the ego.
Which is where I bring to you the idea of “Unselfing”.
I came across this term in a very recent article a friend had shared with me. All the details to the article and the author are below in the show notes. It is a must read, just as this episode is a must listen. 😛
“Last night I lost the world, and gained the universe.”
C. JoyBell C.
That, to me, sums up the utility of that age-old idea of letting go.
When I first came across the article I have talked about in this episode, the words immensely resonated with me. It was probably the first time ever that I heard the word unselfing, but the 2-3 minute read was quite enough to get the idea across. And also the overall utility of it. And let me tell you, it’s not a new idea either. Eastern philosophical traditions such as the Advaita Vedanta, Zen Buddhism, etc have focussed on nothing but, at the core of their teachings and messaging.
However, in the times we’re living in, the idea is more relevant than ever. Our modern modes of living – all the personalised feeds, all the selfies, all the personalised ads – are contributing to strengthening the ego, to strengthening the separation that is the basis of the ego.
And while the ego is an important mechanism of the functioning of the human organism, it is a terrible master. And that, more than anything, is an absolutely striking reality of our time. To quote the article (only a teaser):
"Somewhere along the way, in the century of the self, we forgot each other. We forgot this vast and wonder-filled universe, of which we are each but a tiny and transient wonder."
- Maria Popova (unselfing.social)
The central idea should not be something alien to someone who’s familiar with my work. Quite a number of my podcast episodes have been directed to this very same idea. For a refresher, here are a few episodes that you could check out as a sister content to this episode and this article I talked about here.
Well, enough said and done. I’d recommend you to get into the episode and give it a listen. A narration of the article is included in the episode itself, but if you wish to read it beforehand, here’s a link to it again – unselfing.social by Maria Popova
The entire episode is only an 11 minute listen. And it’s absolutely worth it.
I’ll see you in the playground.
To more unlearning and more unselfing.
Until next time.
Peace out.
Episode 20 – 3 suggestions on coping with the low phases of Life | Depression help (17 min)
Trust me, faking to be strong is far worse than admitting to be weak.
virat kohli
Everyone goes through the highs and lows of life – no matter what social situation they’re in, no matter how much privilege others perceive in their life situation, life has its highs and lows for everyone.
By their very definition, the low phases of life are more difficult to navigate for us. Join me in this episode as I talk about a few general dos and don’ts during such times.
Of course, any specific advice has to be tailored to the individual situation at hand, but my aim here is to cover a few general principles that form the bedrock of a lot of subjective advice that everyone can benefit from.
When Jimmy Kimmel, host of the popular late night American TV show Jimmy Kimmel Live, hosted Anthony Hopkins, he asked him a question that really stuck a chord with me. Anthony was close to 80 years old at the time, and Jimmy asked him if there is a single piece of advice he would like to share with the audience based on the sheer amount of time he has spent on the planet!
And Anthony Hopkins, very easily replied back saying, “Just keep going. Never give up.“
How beautiful, right? And how powerful! Especially in terms of the topic we’re talking about in this episode – depression help and suicide prevention.
You see, all of us have low phases in our lives. If you’ve lived long enough, you know that to be true. All of our lives are akin to sine waves – they have ups and downs, crests and troughs. The low phases, by their very definition, are more difficult to navigate for all of us. And in the lowest of our low phases, the thought of simply ending it all and just giving up can seem to be a viable option – or worse yet, can seem to be the only option at times.
It is at these situations when we need to exercise our conscious choice to not act on such thoughts, and rather, just keep going. Because no matter what, the sine curve does come back up. It has to. And if you are at the lowest of your lows, it can’t get any worse – it’s going to only get better.
And even if you don’t believe that last bit, acting as if that’s the case is a much better choice than not.
In this episode of my podcast, I talk about three general dos and don’ts for depression help and suicide prevention. The core aim, if there is one, for this episode, is to propagate the idea that there is a better choice available than ending it all – there always is.
Having said all that I said in this episode and on this page, I still feel that any real help and advice we need in those tough low phases of our lives have to be specific to our particular life situations and not simply based out of a motivational quote or an inspiring piece of literature someone’s read. So, if you or anyone you know is in need of such advice, I know I can help. All the details for getting in touch with me personally, even if for a single one-time call and other nuances, are available on the talk-to-me page.
I think I’ll end this page with another one of those beautiful quotes that can be life-changing if you let them.
“You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from.”
Episode 17 – 3 reasons to unlearn victimhood & why it’s important today (12 min)
If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.
UNKNOWN
It appears to me that in the present day and age, our entire society seems to be rigged with this virus of victimhood. And that is a real problem.
An old quote of mine reads, “More than being identified with the victim in your story, be identified with the observer of it. The latter is closer to the truth.”
In this episode of The Unlearning Playground, I expand on what I mean when I say this.
Like most of my everyday-life advice episodes, this one is also centred around wisdom that’s applicable to and is pragmatically focussed on our day-to-day lives.
And you’ll also see why this is quite a necessary collective message for our times too, because like I just mentioned, if you look closely, we seem to be collectively rigged by this virus of victimhood.
If I was to summarise the need for this episode and the message therein, I would summarise it in this beautiful quote whose author I am unaware of, “If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”
Tune in to the episode to know more and know better.
And please don’t forget to like, share and subscribe and leave a rating/review for the podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.
If only we could realise how much this statement is true, and how much this applies not just to others but to our own lives as well!
Victimhood, like most things in life really, requires discernment of the highest order.
You see, all of us undergo some sort of trauma in our lives. This could be related to incidents or situations from our childhood, could be triggered by stuff we grew through as teenagers or adults, and so on. The ups and downs of life ensure that all of us see difficult times, that all of us are in situations when we are can’t help but feel like victims.
Now as we grow up and start to call ourselves mature adults, a major chunk of our work lies in outgrowing this trauma and the accompanying victimhood, a process you can very easily call healing.
And I know that some of us don’t like to use terms such as trauma and victimhood for our own life situations, but I still hope you’re getting the gist of what I’m trying to convey. Call it whatever you want, coming out of the identity that such situations build within us is a part of growing-up-101.
And this is especially important advice for our times. If you are at all active on social media these days, you can really see this pattern emerge out of the conversations that we have publicly these days – people on all sides of all possible dichotomies fighting it out to lay their claim on the trophy of who is the biggest victim there ever has been. Whether it is the conservatives or the liberals, the men or the women, the Hindus or the Muslims, the Indians or the Pakistanis, the gays or the straights – everyone has one hand on the “trophy” of victimhood these days.
Surely there could be victims on both sides of all of these dichotomies, of course!
But if the mere fact that you are on one side as opposed to the other is making you feel like a victim, therein lies your work, my fellow human!
Someone very wise once said, “If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”
If you let it, these few words have the power to trigger a change in you that your future self will thank you for.
Whatever is said or done is interpreted always, and misinterpreted almost always. Well, not almost always, but we do misinterpret others much more than we would want to be misinterpreted ourselves. There is no substitute, after all, to honest conversations.
Chetan narang
So much of our waking lives revolve around words that we barely get time to think about what is the right relationship to have with our own words.
We interpret everything – all the quotes we read, all the videos we watch, all the podcasts we listen, all the conversations we have, all the social media posts we consume – all of it passes through the mental models engrained in our minds.
The path from these interpretations being justinterpretations to them becoming truths should be one we carefully travel, especially when it matters.
It is not these quotes that are limited, it is our interpretations of them that limit the world we see.
Join myself, Chetan Narang, in Episode 14 of The Unlearning Playground Podcast where I talk about how quotes, words and our own interpretations of them can limit us and our understanding of our world.
Yeah, quotes are great. But have you ever caught yourself misinterpreting one to suit your own preconceived story? That is the one of the most potent, generalised use of quotes in my opinion – to take you to the realisation that you (mis)interpret words all the time.
We all have stories in our minds.
Stories about how the people around us are, stories about how people are in general, stories about how certain ‘kind’ of people are, stories about how the world is,and so on and on …
These stories help us in navigating the world, and do a good job about it.
A lot of times however, our own favourite and cherished stories limit us from seeing things as they actually are. Everything that reaches us passes through, and is coloured by these stories. No matter how brilliant the quote I just came across is – if the mental model it triggered in my mind is not based on truth, I would not be able to squeeze the nectar out of it.
This happens all the time around us doesn’t it?
I, for one, have noticed this happen a lot on social media – I would see someone share a quote or a clip of some wise words; and the interpretation of those words that made them worthy of a share for this person was just one that confirmed their already preconceived notions. Someone who is politically left-leaning would be moved by the same quotes that move a politically right-leaning person, and both of them would happily share the same words in their circles; assuming that the words they are sharing mean what they think they mean, and what they have always thought they mean.
All of this, like most truths that matter, is easier to see in others than it is to see in oneself. Because it is not comfortable to see your own thoughts being proven incomplete and biased. It’s like that powerful quote by Robert Pirsig in his beautiful book, Lila. Yes, the man wrote a book other than the Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance. The quote goes like this:
It’s always the other person who’s ‘deluded.’ Or ourselves in the past. Ourselves in the present are never ‘deluded.’ Delusions can be held by whole groups of people, as long as we’re not a part of that group. If we’re a member then the delusion becomes a ‘minority opinion.’
Robert Pirsig, Lila
All said and done, I hope this creates a little curiosity in you to check out your own interpretations (and misinterpretations) of quotes. Catch yourself the next time you hear yourself say things like
“Yeah, this is nothing new.” “Yeah, I know this already.” “Yeah, so what?”
I’m not saying that these responses are always uncalled for. But be aware enough to see when you’re actually understanding something, and when you’re just substituting it by something you already ‘know’.
If whatever you read/hear immediately falls into buckets like
Episode 13 – How important is money? 3 advices to develop a contrarian thinking about money (22 min)
I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.
Jim carrey
Money is not everything but it is something. While most of us agree on this basic statement, we still do not quite understand what is the right relationship to have with money.
How much money is too much money? How much money is enough? What is the right way to think about money?
These are some questions that remain perpetually unanswered for a lot of us, in the busy lives that we lead these days.
With the employee performance appraisal season right around the corner in the Indian economic cycle, money is definitely one of the hot topics flowing around. And there wouldn’t be a shortage of questions and concerns that pop up in our minds about it.
Am I getting paid enough? Should I switch jobs? Will that promotion make it all worth it? Should I look out to get a higher salary or benefits?
All of these are important questions. And there are better answers to them than “It depends.” or “It’s all relative”.
We just need to open our eyes and see things the way they are, not the way we think they are. Let’s spend some time doing just that. Tune right in.
Episode 11 – Solving for anxiety | A short, fresh discourse on perfect and good (5 min)
The perfect is the enemy of the good.
Voltaire
Anxiety is a problem that all of us want to solve for, but very few of us actually get to even realise that a subtle change in our perspective can actually work wonders only if we try and sit with it honestly.
Join me in this episode where I aim to offer one such solution. It is a short and fresh perspective about a quote that I find to be amongst the most potent ones ever – “Perfect is the enemy of good.”
I think this episode is far from perfect, but it is good. Practice what you preach, eh?
Episode 7 – 1 important insight on being better at relationships | What does Love look like? | Rocco Jarman (9 min)
Love will save us all, and love will not be gentle.
sarah elkhaldy
Most of human life is relationships – personal, professional, casual.
Join me as I walk you through an extremely potent and a really effective method that has the power to improve all your relationships manifold.
It is based on a meditation that my friend Rocco Jarman shared with me quite recently. Like most of the man’s work, it is powerful, it is moving and it is worth looking at with eyes wide open.
And as is the case with most life-transforming things, all that’s needed of you is an open mind and a willingness to unlearn and relearn.
Most of human life is relationships, isn’t it? Whether you are a working professional who wants that manager to understand you better; whether you are a manager in your workplace who wants those employees to understand you better; whether you are a parent who can’t seem to get a hold on that kid; whether you are a kid who can’t seem to get your parents to see things from your perspective; whether you are trying to convey something important to someone via a series of podcast episodes; whether you are a listener who is liking it so much that all you can think about is how to convince your friends to listen to it too, most of your life is about relationships.
Well, if that last bit about liking the podcast is true for you, I want you to know that I love you and deeply appreciate you. Keep sharing the love.
So, back to where we were. Most of our lives IS about relationships – personal, professional, casual, etc. And I’m sure all of us have found ourselves in tricky situations in our relationships.
There are situations where we are stumped, we have no clue how to act or what to do. There are situations where things get a little overwhelming and we regret later how we acted – we know we could have acted better, we know we could have handled it better – but it was hard to see it at the time and sometimes, it is hard to see even after.
We all are in such situations a lot of times. And at any rate, if you haven’t been in such a situation lately, you still cannot guarantee that the next moment wouldn’t present one, no matter how enlightened you are.
With regards to handling and processing such situations and also navigating everyday life in general too, I wanted to very briefly touch upon a message my dear friend Rocco Jarman shared with me very recently. His words were, “Ask yourself – what does love look like in the present moment, really listen to the answer, and then act on it.”
Just take a few seconds to reflect on the sheer potency of these words. I’ll go about them slowly. Ask yourself – what does LOVE look like in the present moment, REALLY listen to the answer, and then ACT on it.
The next time you are in a situation that demands a conscious action, and there are a whole lot of them in our everyday lives, consider trying this. Pause, take a deep breath and ask yourself – “what does love look like in this moment?”. Really listen to the answer that turns up.
The answer could be anything.
It could be just hugging the person in front of you.
It could also be scolding them.
It could be crying your eyes out.
It could be being silent.
It could be talking your heart out.
It could be walking away.
It could be agreeing with someone.
It could be correcting them.
It could be anything.
You see, love, and for that matter, kindness too, takes a variety of forms. It is not always the mushy mushy goodness and niceties we associate with it. All of the different examples I gave above, could mean love. Only you can say about yourself whether you’re coming out of love or out of displaced anger, jealousy, greed, lust, shame, fear, etc.
Be conscious of your thoughts and you’ll see all of this in play in every relationship you engage in, moment by moment. Do not be surprised if these “negative” thoughts surface. They do, for all of us. What you need to consciously do is to not ACT on them. Dig deeper, act out of love, act out of kindness. And that takes time, give yourself that time. That’s all we need to do really.
I distinctly remember this one example Rocco has shared many times on his Instagram. I’m paraphrasing. He says something like, “If there is a wolf at the door and you’re sleeping, and I let you sleep, I am not acting out of love or kindness. Kindness in that moment demands of me to wake you up and not to let you sleep.”
Now, an observer who can only see the action inside the house might not be able to see the wolf. That observer might label me as an inconsiderate person, maybe even an arrogant person, maybe even an unkind person – but my action might never appear to him to be coming out of love. But that shouldn’t change my action!
Similarly, the person who’s asleep probably also doesn’t see the wolf. Who would remain asleep otherwise right? Only us humans! But anyway, that person might also not see that the act of me trying to wake them up is one of love, is one of kindness. And that shouldn’t change my action either!
For the one who sees the wolf, love in that moment demands him to wake up the sleeping person. Period.
There are various other examples you can see in your own everyday life where apparent kindness is not real kindness, where apparent love is not real love. And also, where apparent unkindness IS the real kindness and the real love.
If you are wrong somewhere, and I can see that THAT is keeping you from growing, and I simply enable you in your smallness because I have lowered my expectations from you or because it makes ME feel bigger compared to you, even though I look kind and compassionate, I am not being kind. I am not acting out of the greatest love I could have acted out of.
If someone is inviting you for something, and you decline their offer out of love for your own self, for your own peace, even though you seem unkind to them, you are not. Sometimes, saying no is the greater kindness, is the greater love.
So, what does love look like at any moment? It depends on the moment, it depends on the actors in the moment. There is no single right answer, and no one will get it right all the time anyway. No one. Not Osho, not JK, not Kahlil Gibran, not Swami Vivekananda, not Sadhguru, not Alan Watts, not Jesus Christ, not Buddha, not Lord Ram. No one.
We can only ever try to better our interactions and relationships with others. And this sure is one way to do it. Reflect on it.
Unlearn the idea that love and kindness is only mushy-mushy goodness. Sometimes, it can be a scolding or a disagreement too.
Unlearn the idea that all apparent goodness is love and kindness. Sometimes, the greater kindness is telling the other person where they are wrong.
See the truths in these statements. And the next time you are in a pickle, ask yourself, “What does love look like at this moment?” Really listen to the answer, and then act on it.
I would like to thank Rocco for sharing this wonderful insight with me. If you guys haven’t yet, do check out his page on Instagram, his handle is @rocketsprocket. He also runs his own podcast by the name Eyes wide open life. I cannot recommend his work enough. Go through it, your future selves will thank you for it. And thank me for it too I hope. 🙂
